I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
