I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize
