So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
