WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
