I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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