maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
