yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
