So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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