dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
