Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
