Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
