If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
