I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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