my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
