some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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