I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
