You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize