he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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