can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
