Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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