we made out on top of his cat.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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