why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
