never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
