dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My ATM looks so different sober.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize