everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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