I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize