I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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