She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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