life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
