Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
