I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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