my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
