so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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