Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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