Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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