her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
