2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i think my mom watched the whole time
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize