Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
