He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i love accidental penises.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
