No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
