When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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