I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
