You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
