i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
