Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
