you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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