I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
