Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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