i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I fill condoms, not promises.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
