He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
