just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
