i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
