Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
