Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
