Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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