Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
