Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
