If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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