My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
