tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
