Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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