walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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