Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
