and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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