The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
