I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
