Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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