fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
